WARNING: This blog contains conversations about my life. It can be cruel but it's the truth from the way I percive it. I don't always use nice words and sometimes I share a little bit too much. I don't put on a happy face in the midst of hard times because that's what inspires others. If you have an issue please navigate away from this page now.

Monday, December 26, 2011

BFP! WTF?

I had the damn stick say PREGNANT finally! I don't know how this happeneed because we hadn't started treatment yet. I had the MMR vaccine and was instructed to use back up birth control for the next month and I did as I was told. I ended up pregnant from the intimate time before I had the vaccine. Basically, the baby is a miracle. I am currently 9 weeks today and have already seen and heard the baby on ultrasound. Words cannot explain how happy and scared I am. I feel absolutely blessed. So here's to a happy and healthy baby.

Friday, December 2, 2011

End of the year Madness

It always seems at the end of the year there isn't enough time to do everything. I have yet to start Chirstmas shopping or send out Christmas cards. My DH and I are trying to get all tests done by the end of the year so we can start trying fresh at the beginning of the year. I feel as if our journey to actually getting treatment is taking forever. We will get there eventually and when we do I'm sure I still won't be ready for how unromantic and intrusive it all will be. Anyway, back to the end of the year craziness...DH will have to have surgery to repair his varicocele before the end of the year and we don't even have a date for it yet which kinda freaks me out. I'm scared one day he'll go into work and come home and had the surgery and I won't even know. Seems crazy but it's going to be last minute when he gets the notice that they have an opening and his shop always makes him come into work before an appointment even if it's early in the morning. So, the likelihood that it could happen without me knowing is pretty high. I just want to be there for him when he wakes up from the anesthia. Hopefully I will have more exciting news after the first of the year. I will try and update on how DH's surgery went before then.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

IUI

I finally had my follow up appointment for my test results on Tuesday. I was not surprised at all with what they revealed. I have high levels of testosterone, my tubes are clear and my uterus is the ideal shape. My ovaries showed many follicles and bam there we have it a definite diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. YAY...NOT! Even as bad as that sounds for fertility, I am happy. I finally have a diagnosis after 4 years of trying to prove to the doctors that something wasn't right.

I will be able to be treated and the possibilities of me never carry a child are low as long as my partner is healthy. Involving my partner is where I run into problems. My DH has what is described as a bag of worms and I went over that in an earlier post. He has had to reschedule his SA for a couple different reasons so we still don't know if DH's condition effects his count.

My infertility doctor believes that his count will be low and if indeed it is we have option A. IUI or option B. IVF. As we all know most insurance companies don't cover IVF and most only cover partial IUI. Let me first say that if given these 2 options, we are planning on trying IUI for 1 year before going to IVF. But, before we made that decision, I did research and found prices for IUI that were around $2000 per attempt and that was way out of our budget and we were looking at a few years to get started trying again. However, at my appointment the doctor informed me that with her and the insurance we have, it would cost around $120 per attempt. I was so excited and happy that I cried right there in the office. I felt like a moron but I couldn't help it.

I had to get the MMR vaccine so that once I am pregnant I am protected and the chances of my baby having defects if I were to get Rubella while pregnant are gone. I am not allowed to start treatments or get pregnant for 4 weeks after getting this vaccine. In the mean time my DH has to go buy condoms for the first time in a 2 years...LOL So, in December I will be put on Metformin and Clomid to get me to ovulate. If IUI is needed, my DH will make his contribution and hopefully we will be blessed with an extra awesome Christmas present. I simply cannot wait for that damn stick to have two pink little lines. =]

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Infertility Etiquette

One of the things that bothers me most when telling someone about my husband and I's infertility is the lack of knowledge others seem to have. I have been struggling with trying to find support and people who understand what we are going through. Through a blog I follow, I learned about RESOLVE. I plan on attending a support group, I just need to find the time first...Anyway, I wanted more information on what RESOLVE really is and what their goals are as well as search for local support groups and I came across a section for friends and family and read about Infertility Etiquette. It's a shame that at least someone I know has said one or more of the "Don'ts" and barely anyone has done any of the "Do's." I shared this on my facebook page and got a huge response. I'm hoping sharing it here will allow others to pass it on, helping others to know how to handle their infertile friends and family members. It has been copied and pasted below, but you can see it in it's original form at www.resolve.org Enjoy.

Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Horrible Blogger

So I have come to accept that I'm not the best blogger out there, but this was created for me. As long as I like it, it doesn't matter. In the last month since I wrote, a DET has came and went, MID-Terms came and went and almost all of our tests are done so we can get back into the infertility doctor and find out whats really going on and how we need to proceed.

My lovely hubby went out on his first DET to Panama City for 3 weeks. I was scared to death because I'm still not used to this area and I've got no one but myself. I go to class at night and walking into a dark empty house in the middle of a not so nice area is scary. I did it and survived and I'm proud of myself. He won't leave again until after the first of the year. By that time I will have made changes and will feel more comfortable with him being gone. First, no more class at night.

The college semester is just over half way done and I'm feeling great. I have a couple more semesters to go and it will all be in the past. I can't wait to get out and get working so we can stop relying on just military pay.

My second appointment for the infertility doctor wasn't very eventful. She looked at my setup and showed me my many follicles. She gave me a list of tests to have completed for both myself and my hubby. Once they are completed, I can call back and get an appointment to hear my results. It's a little frustrating when I want to know now. I have completed my day 3 blood work, and my HSG (which hurt more than I thought it would). I still have my pelvic US which is scheduled for today. As for my hubby, he missed his SA appointment and had to reschedule for Halloween. So in about a 1 1/2 weeks I'll be able to schedule that final appointment to see what all these tests show. Praying that my hubby's bad blood vessels don't effect his count.

Monday, September 12, 2011

It isn't just ME!

Today marks the day when my husband was able to tell me that he too had something wrong that contributes to our infertility. I feel as if the whole world doesn't want us to have a baby. I'm beyond frustrated and sad. Each day seems to take away one sparkle from the peephole of hope I have left. My husband has what's called a varicocele. It can be repaired but has little chance of improving fertility. Our best shot is IVF and insurance doesn't cover that. To me it seems crazy to say that only a month ago I was the problem but that it could be treated and the out look was good. I haven't started my treatment yet since military doctors are slow, but now I should just skip that and jump straight to IVF??? WTF!!!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Irene sent me to Michigan

I admit I'm a bit of a wimp and when the threat of a hurricane was too close to home, I headed home to Michigan. My hubby was on his way to Panama City and he wasn't comfortable leaving me here alone to ride it out. I grabbed a bag, important papers, my school books and my dogs and hit the road. It was an eventful trip to say the least. My female dog gets car sick and so after a whopping 30 mins, my car smelled of doggy vomit. I stopped at a cousins house in MD for a night and continued my trip the next morning. Once I arrived I set up shop in the basement of B's gma's house once again and when I woke up the next morning, I had 3 piles of doggy diarrhea to clean up. And for three more days they had diarrhea until the male dog started having blood in his poo and ended up at the vet and costing me another $200.00. Trying to get my HW done while cleaning doggy poo was a chore but I just finished up tonight. =] I got back in the car and headed home on Friday, stopped at another cousin's in PA and arrived home about the same time my hubby was getting back from FL. I have a busy week ahead, quizzes in all of my classes and an appointment with my neurologist and my GYN. I will share news when I have more.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Infertile Myrtle

On Thursday, my husband made me call the GYN and move my apt. up. I hadn't had AF since May 4th. I went in this morning hopeful that we were going to run test and get things going. NOPE! I whizzed in a cup and we sat and talked about how AF operates. Come on! I gave the doc my symptoms and she said that in a week or so I should be able to come back and we will run more tests but most likely I have PCOS. YAY! NOT! I guess I'll be doing more research but I already know that I have one heck of an up hill battle to fight. Oh plus she told me that the Navy is providing us with some Awesome birth control called SEA DUTY! No duh lady! AND I got the talk about how "you're young, you shouldn't be so stressed. You should just have fun. You're in school focus on that. Going to school with a child is so much more difficult"...and on and on she went. Mind you this woman is in her late 40's and already has children, and her nurse was about to freaking pop! UGH! Had she even bothered to ask me she would know that I am going to be done with school very soon so that issue is gone. And the "why so stressed" question made me want to punch her. I mean HELLO.. I'm a wife, not only that I'm married to the NAVY, the US NAVY where they threaten our pay on a regular basis, I just moved out of my comfort zone only 4 months ago and I'm Infertile. I figured this could take a few years so why not get started now. Eh, maybe she's right, maybe I should wait until I'm done with school.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Home is Where the Heart is

I've been missing my little man(nephew) alot this week. In fact, I've been missing home alot this week. I can't seem to feel at home here. I know I've got B and that helps more than anything but I'm still home sick. I can't stop thinking that back home, I'd have a job and in school where I'm comfortable and used to the way things are ran. Everything here is different; from the way the people talk to the way the colleges do things. I keep saying well if I go back there, I'd have a job and we wouldn't be struggling so much and the list goes on and on. The constant struggle I'm having about comparing this place to back home is tiring and needs to stop or I'll never feel at home here, much less any where the Navy sends me.

New subject:
After a long drawn out process, I'm back enrolled in college. I'm taking a full 13 credits this term. I haven't taken that much in about 2 years. Good news is I completely pay for tuition on financial aid. That's a relief. However since I was a transfer student, I have to pay for all my books upfront and get reimbursed later. All my books have to be ordered online and so instead of forking out near $400, I ordered each book from somewhere other than my schools website and saved $200. Yahoo!!! I ordered my books and they should be arriving any day now. I start classes on the 22nd. Wish me Luck!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Short and sweet little post because I'm SUPER excited. I FINALLY have an appointment for the GYN! YAY! It's been almost a year since I've started the "real" struggle. I call it "real" because we never used anything before so when we decided we wanted kids, we didn't have to change anything except paying more attention to when I ovulate. It's been one tough year trying to get my family Doc back home to refer me to the GYN and then once she did, I had to move. Now that I've gotten everything reestablished here, my PCM gave me a referral on day one. I'm so happy and excited to get the ball rolling. The appointment is made for Sep. 1 (earliest available.) YAY!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

As promised here is a weight loss update. I am often too busy to write on here every week so an update when I can is good enough for me. I now weigh 168 lbs. Went to the doctor to get my new patient work up and get some plantar warts removed from my driving foot. Even though 168 isn't as much as I would like it too be, I am happy with the progress. Weight loss is hard and doing it without any help from pills or a program other than the one this lady made up herself, is pretty impressive if you ask me. I'm down a total of 11 pounds so far. I have no idea what my goal is I just know I want to feel and look healthy. So raise a glass to less sugar and caffeine and more watermelon and celery. Yeah baby!

TTC Update: I'm not far along on the journey but I've now been given the official referal to see the GYN. There aren't any GYN's available to me on base so I have to wait for a letter to arrive in the mail and give me further instructions for making an appointment. I can't wait to get this ball started. I feel hopeful that we will find out what's wrong and we can move on from there. I'm hoping the letter will come within the next 2 days.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Weight loss UPDATE

To make sure that I'm held accountable for my weight loss, I'll be posting weekly updates. The struggle to keep going is all to familiar and after this weekend I need something to push me forward. My updates start now.

My last post about my weight loss was a while ago and even though the post felt inspiring, I quickly lost momentum. Not until Wednesday of last week had I really worked out. I wanted to print out my workout plan and post it all over my husbands game room, which is slowing turning into the workout room, so until I did that I wasn't ready to start. It sounds stupid now that I put it in words. But Wednesday for whatever reason I was motivated and did it. I then had a workout that consisted of playing "Just Dance 2" on the Wii and Wii sports. I took a break and when my husband got home we did the workout plan that my brother's girlfriend put together for me and then took the dogs for a walk. I felt great. Thursday morning I put in my in-home DVDs of A.M. Yoga and Zumba and at night took the dogs for a walk. I was feeling it by then.

Friday was designated FREE DAY but I took the dogs for a walk anyway. Saturday I was supposed to get back on the horse but I was distracted because I was babysitting for the weekend and by Sunday I'd gotten out of the routine so I didn't workout then either. I felt so guilty not only because of not working out but because my husband and I went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2 and I ate junk food and soda pop.

My husband is used to eating whatever he wants and never gaining a pound so he isn't the best supporter when it comes to what we're eating. He throws a fit like a child when I suggest buying whole wheat pasta or bread or not buying anymore soda pop or candy. I am weak, if it's in the house I'll eat it. Things like that should be a treat not an everyday thing. I really need to support myself. I'm not babysitting today so I will be getting into tennis shoes and working out. "Just Dance 2" is calling my name.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Deployment

I'm not even sure I get to call it Deployment. My hubby is currently stationed at a sea-duty command and goes for a weekend or a couple weeks at a time to a number of different places. Every few months he'll go on a 4 month long trip and then go right back to the weekend trips and 2 week long trips for the next 3 years.

Last week my husband came home and told me the dates he is supposed to go on his first "weekender" and "2 weeker." Sometime in August he goes for a weekend and then he goes again for 2 weeks in October. I was also told about his long stint, due in May. I am very nervous about the weekend in August because I HATE the place we live in. Yes, it is military housing but I HATE everything about it. The whole place seems to be falling apart. We've had maintenance in around 50 times in the 2 months we've been here. We've found mold in a couple places which I'm highly allergic to and sends me to the ER at times. I can't utilize my bathroom closet because of it. They have came and "cleaned" it up, but my throat starts to close whenever I move anything around. We are trying to get out of here as soon as possible but that seems easier said than done and probably won't happen before her leaves.

Second reason I HATE this place is because of it's location. We live in a run down area where I don't feel comfortable going to the grocery store alone in pure day light. I want to feel comfortable taking my dogs for a walk and I can't. We are about 20 minutes on a good day away from the base and it's not convenient to drive to the commissary or NEX to save money. The beach and friends are at least 40 minutes away. I need to figure out a plan for that weekender in August.

I have it all worked out for October though. My mom and dad are moving from Wyoming to Alabama to be closer to my brother and my Dad's work. Since my mom won't have a job right away, she's going to come visit me for the time that B is away. And hopefully by the time the 4 month trip comes, we will be out of this house and this area, into a place I can feel at home in.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

1 Year

One year ago today I made my boyfriend of 3 years into my husband. Even though we haven't spent much of the first year of marriage together I couldn't be happier to have him as my husband. In the 4 years we have been together it, we have had our ups and downs and this last year has provento the both of us that we can make it through anything and still be madly in love with eachother. Since B is off of his night duty as of Friday, we have spent the last two days with friends at the beach and today we are pitching a bed on the floor in front of the T.V. snuggling with eachother and our puppies. Tomorrow we are spending the day alone we eachother at Busch Gardens. Tuesday we will be cleaning and relaxing until Wednesday when he goes back to work.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I weigh 180 Pounds!

Something women don't like to admit, is how much they weigh. I am not afriad anymore to say that I weigh 180 pounds and I'm 5'8" tall. I am barely crossing the line but I have crossed it, I'm overweight.

The first step is admitting there is a problem. Part of admitting how much a person weighs. I think if more people were to step on the scale and tell other people the numbers, they might be embarrassed enough to do something about it. I'm not saying that it's right but I know I'm embarrassed enough to change.

My brother's girlfriend, AJ is a personal trainer, has come up with a diet plan and a workout routine for me to follow. I don't have an exact weight I'd like to get to but I know I want to look and feel better. I want more energy and to lok good in a bikini again. Plus, maybe a thinner more healthy me will be better for reproducing.

Well here goes nothing. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Dog Days

Well today B and I went and picked up two adorable black lab mix puppies. They are brother and sister from the same litter and they are 2 months old. My husband fell so in love with both of them that he coldn't split them up. Good thing too because they are attached at the hip and get sad when they are apart. Well not much else to say so I'll post a picture.


Monday, June 6, 2011

When the smoke clears

Things around hear have just kept my husband and I on the edge of our seats and stressed out. We have made time to go to the beach and enjoy a few friends. I've applied for jobs and got a all back on one so far. Crossing my fingers for more just to keep my options open. I'm going for an interview on Wednesday. Husband has been on night watch leaving me here without a vechile all night. I get pretty scared but I'll be alright.

Once this month of night duty for my husband ends and I start a job and get things on a regular schedule we are hoping that ourbaby making efforts with produce a seed. Feels like it will never happen but I'm giving it a second chance since we are in a new place and we are around each other everyday now. Well thats the latest update for now. I'll be blogging more often since we are all hooked up to internet now.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Does the sign on my back say kick me?

Man when it rains it pours, and all those other cliche sayings for bad fortune... I'd like to paint a picture of a fun and adventurous time during this PCS move. I will say it has been adventurous but definitely not very fun.

As the post I wrote prior to this one explains, the day the movers came was anything but what we were expecting. I wanted to wipe my eyes and mind of that day and move on with positive thoughts and hopes that everything would be fine, and I did. Some money issues came up while B was home and we borrowed some money for gas to make it to VA and we were off. I still had my eyes wide open with no expectations. The first day of the trip was awesome; perfect weather, drove 12 hours and stopped in a nice hotel that cut us a great deal, ate dinner and went to bed. The next morning we woke, got gas and headed out. Crossing into the town where we now live I cried and instantly shut down. It reminded me of being back home in our run down boarded up town where I was afraid to go to the store alone. Since I had friends there I never had to brave it alone. First thing that ran through my mind is when B has to go over seas and I'll be forced to be alone and at this point I don't know anyone and I'm scared. In other words we will be spending alot of time looking for something else.

That evening we went to pick up a few things at Wal Mart and at the checkout my card was declined when I know that I had more than enough in there to cover what we had bought. Embarrassed as hell I get on my smartphone and look at my account where I notice someone had hacked my account and taken everything in it. I hadn't used MY card the entire trip. I was pissed and scared all over. Has someone stolen my identity? I am dealing with that and having to borrow more money from other people to buy things to cook on and food since the movers weren't supposed to show up until Tuesday.

Tuesday Morning, the truck with our things was supposed to show up and after I spent 4 hours calling and calling I was informed that it wouldn't be getting to me until Friday and I'm lucky if it will get here then. I might be waiting until Monday. The movers have had our things for over a week and the shipment was still sitting in Michigan. NOONE had even picked the fucker up. UGH. The little bit of money we had to borrow after my account was drained only bought us food and supplies until Tuesday. Off to Fleet and Family my husband went to borrow more money. UGH all right before payday. The cycle never ends once you're in debt. I need a job and can't go searching since the movers have my uniforms and business attire.

Well that's our hellish week in a nutshell and it's only Wednesday. Can't wait to see what Friday brings.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The day the MOVERS came

I haven't blogged like I've been wanting to. Here is a fast update; husband arrived on the 22nd and we met with a lady to set up our move on the 28th, I took my CNA state certification test the 29th and rocked it, and the movers came today.

That's right we set up our move on Thursday and by Monday the movers were here. AHH! Like many of you know I live with B's Grandma Chicken Legs so all of our things have been in storage. The lady who planned our move told us to be at the storage unit at 8am and they had until 5pm to show up. WTF! We sat and waited and called to get a more specific time that they would get there and they kept giving us the run around. Typical. They finally got there a little after 1pm and had to take everything out of the boxes that I had packed and repack them themselves. What a waist of time and money. We ended up with 90 items on our inventory list that took three pages to keep track of. Around 6pm they were finished and B and I could finally go home. What a long day at the storage unit.

The rest of the week leads to packing the things that we couldn't ship and taking a long drive to VA. I won't be able to blog much until the internet is hooked up in our home.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Yay for Buttons!

I have attempted the art of button making finally. My blog is now displaying a purple button that you can share. YAY! Here it is again.




Please let me know if it isn't working properly. Thanks.

Monday, April 18, 2011

New Me, New Look

Let me make a long story VERY short. Between living with five other adults and one child in a place I don't want to be in, facing a move out of state that I'm completely unprepared for, waiting on our new furniture to arrive and facing it not getting here in time for the move, my state boards approaching and the threat of our military not getting paid, I ended up in the hospital for anxiety almost 2 weeks ago.

I had an anxiety attack that lasted 2.5 hours when B's Grandma finally forced me into the hospital. To date, that has been the only one I've ever had and it scared the crap out of me. I was given something that night to calm down and I've been seeing a psychologist since. I've done everything in my power to adjust my attitude and avoid the people I live with since that's my biggest issue. I have got a long way to go until I'm fully better. However, I am confident if I keep up the work I will be back to 110% in no time.

So, because I'm feeling the need to be a tree hugging, peace tea drinking, its all about the love, don't worry about a thing kind of person I've redone my blog to influence a brighter more happy me. Hope you enjoy.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

My childhood & my Father

I'd like to be able to one day say that I had a great childhood and a great father who I loved and admired. The truth is I don't ever think that will happen.

As far back as I can remember, my brother and I were always alone or with a babysitter who wasn't nice and drank all the time. Even with the babysitter we were alone. I do have a few good memories from childhood but they are times when I was with my Grandma. She died when I was 10 and I struggled with happiness ever since. She was the escape from our reality and she let us be kids. I wish she could be here now and been able to meet my husband and her unborn great grandchildren. That is besides the point though.

My father was a drunk and a drug addict. He added to the problems and the struggles of not having enough money. He ran around our gang filled neighborhood with his buddies at all hours of the night. He would work all day and go straight to his buddies to get drunk and whatever else. He had to drive by our home to get there and he wouldn't even stop to say hi or see how our day went first. He acted like a teenager more so than I ever did and he was nearing 50. Whenever he would come home, I'd hide in my room until I figured out if he was in a good mood or not. My father had a temper on him and I didn't want to get the 2x4 if I said the wrong thing. If he was in a good mood I'd come out of my room and he'd lay on the floor demanding I get him food and drinks and his smokes. He was very 1950 and expected the wife and child to serve him. Pissed me off. My senior year he moved to Wyoming for a job and he missed my graduation and open house. I wasn't surprised since he'd already seen my older brother's, mine wasn't that important. I wrote him a letter before he left that told him I was sad we didn't have a better relationship. He never read it, said he never planned on it and he threw it away. I guess what makes me so bitter is that he never treated my brother the way he did me. I grew up in fear of him and hating him because his friends, drinking and drugs always came before me. Since he's been in Wyoming he's been sober and has a better relationship with my mom, which is good. He's tried mending things with me and calls me all the time. He gets upset when I don't answer the phone and he thinks I'm ignoring him. I'm not really sure how to forgive him or how to move on. I can't just pretend that the way he treated me for 19 years didn't happen. I knew one day he would wake up and realize what he'd done and that he'd missed out on a wonderful person he calls his daughter. I just never planned on not being able to forgive him or knowing what to say to someone who is otherwise a stranger.

When I was about 13 I told myself that I'd never let that man walk me down the isle. I would have my brother or my Grandpa do it. This past summer I caved into my mother's request and let him walk me down the isle. I guess that's a start? After all he stayed sober the entire wedding.



Monday, March 28, 2011

Finally PCSing!

Who could have thought I'd actually enjoy saying that I'm excited that we have officially begun the process of moving to a new duty station. If you'd read and kept up, you know that B has been in training for over a year now. I am so beyond excited that written orders are now in his hand. I can officially say that we will be stationed in Virginia by the middle of May.

I've never lived anywhere other than Michigan and I'm terrified to actually move out of my hometown. I'm so used to the way things are ran and I know all the short cut ways to get around town. I know all the places to go for a day at the beach or for a day on the slopes(depending on the weather). I know where all the "good" thrift stores are. I'm comfortable at my college and I knew where I wanted to work. I have a great doctor here and my eye specialist is great. It's a little intimadating to have to pick everything up and try and get used to a whole new area that I know nothing about. I haven't even visited the state.

On the plus side, my husband got near impossible orders for his rate and the written orders came up way before they even expected them to. He is so happy about these orders and I'm happy for him. I'm most excited to be back wih my hubby, living under the same roof again. What a long and draining year it has been. In the end it will be worth it since he will be there until he reenlists at least.

The only thing I'm worried about is making sure everything is done right...so, EVERYTHING.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

One Year Ago

This months brings alot of things to get excited about.

First of all our nephew turns ONE. I didn't know how much I could love this little guy. When he was born B and I weren't married yet and even though we had been together for three years, I didn't feel right being called Auntie. Maybe that's a little old fashioned but I felt like we aren't married, I'm not his Aunt. But, after B left and a few months of seeing him regularly I fell in love with the most handsome little boy. I pushed these feelings away because we still weren't married. Then, once we did get married it still took time for me to get used to being called Auntie. His smile is so contagious and his laughter is like a drug that you could get addicted too. Makes me feel very blessed that I've had the time to get to know him before the Navy pulled me to another state. His Uncle B on the other hand, isn't so lucky. He gets to know him through pictures and videos. As he turns one I am so happy to be his coolest Aunt on the planet.

Secondly, B is coming up on his ONE year anniversary of being in the Navy. He's been home for a weekend when we got married and over Christmas. I guess I should be happy that I even got that. I am so happy that this year is almost over though. He is finishing his A school this week and hopefully getting to pick orders soon. Hopefully after he picks orders Ill get to be with him. Ahh I can't wait. I am so very proud of the way he has handled being away for so long. He's a big softy and he's very big on family. I was worried he wouldn't be able to handle it. He has done amazing in his classes and I couldn't be more proud. Seems awfully strange that it's been one year already and Ive only seen him a few times. Alot has happened in a year that's for sure.

Next on the list of things to get excited about is the fact that next week I'll be walking out of my college with a certificate as a Nurse Aid. It isn't what I want over all but it's a step. A step I am very proud of. I'm the first person in my family to have graduated High School and continue onto college and walk out of the doors with something. My mother went to college but dropped out and so did my older brother. My father never finished High School. This is huge for our family.

Lastly, it's almost spring time and my SIL will be on spring break at the end of the month and if everything goes right my husband, my in laws and I will be headed to our new duty station. We will enjoy the drive and the warm weather on the beach. Ah March I Love You.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Hair Ball

I am super excited to say that after 5 months my hair can finally go back into a ponytail. O how I've missed it. I cut my hair to the shortest its ever been in September. I LOVE it short however it was too short to put back. I am letting it grow just a little bit longer and then I'm going to keep it that length. It is nice to be able to pull it back out of my face. Who would think hair could have such an affect on a person? LOL

I've been spending my fridays at the bingo hall with my favorite Aunt. I enjoy it surprisingly. After my parents, my best girlfriend and my husband left the state Ive needed something to do with my time. I'm so happy that my Aunt and I are getting closer and hanging out but I feel like it's almost a waste of time because in a few short months I will be moving to wherever the Navy sends my husband. I know I need to kick these thoughts because if I think like that I'll always be alone because every relationship while B is in the Navy will be "a waste of time." I will be one lonely person if I think like that. It just started to bum me out. I have no idea where B will be stationed. I hoping to find out soon and when I know you'll know.

On another note, my 21st is just around the corner and I can't wait. I won tickets to an awesome comedy club for me and 8 guests. I reserved front row seats and I bought cute little tiaras for the girls and I to wear. My outfit is all picked out, I'm ready to go get hammered. I will post pictures when I'm over the hangover.

Well tata for now. 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Military Spouses in the Workplace

The more I talk about this subject the more I hear horror stories about women who have degrees and can't find a job solely because they are married to the military. This is concerning me since I just started to go back to school so that I could get a job once stationed. My school cost us out of pocket $1600 plus books and supplies. I'm very confident that I will pass and get my certification, but I'm scared that I'm not going to find a job because my husband is part of the United States Navy.

This is one thing I believe shouldnt even be an issue. Our men and women leave to fight for the country that all these businesses are grounded on and yet they deny jobs to the ones left behind. Makes me go HMM! I'm not complaining about being left behind because, yes, I knew what the job intailed when I agreed to this, but I dont believe that I should have to worry about going stir crazy while he is gone because I can't get a job. I know I could find things to do with my time but why not put my knowledge and the moneywe spent for school to good use and actually make a buck because we all know that the service barely pays enough to cover cost of living.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Oh Baby!

It is safe to say that the two week wait is over and I am not pregnant. =/ I have mixed feelings about this. I now get to spend my 21st birthday like it should be spent and the next three months can be completely spent focusing on school. But I want a little baby so badly. I never imagined I would want one for the next five years, but I do. I never dreamed it would be this hard to conceive either. B and I tried every month for 6 months before he left for basic and nothing. Obviously the Navy has handicapped the process since then. However, we have continued to try everytime we are together and as far as I know everything lines up. Im ovulating on time and still getting nothing. I know I am healthy and able now we are getting concerned that B isn't able to provide children. I will be crushed if we aren't able to have a baby.

I'm finding that everyone around me is pregnant and it's starting to piss me off. Why are the "women" who are 16 able to get pregnant but not me? What about the people who trick their partner into having a baby by telling them they are on the pill but really aren't? And the women who have these babies and then the dad bails or the mother doesn't tell the father? And for god's sake why in hell are the couples who have to be on state aid to support their 3 babies able to get pregnant? It seems so unfair. There are so many people I know and see who treat their children like crap and can't support their children and they had no problem getting pregnant. What about the "oops" babies? Where they only kept the kid because abortion seemed wrong and they didn't mean to get pregnant? If you're going to be a good parent and support your child on your own I'm totally fine with the "oops" but if you're not going to be able to do that don't have sex or use pretection because for Christ's sake there are people out there that struggle trying to conceive and it pisses them off to see you using your child as a meal ticket and treating them poorly. Plus, they shouldnt have to pay for something you should be responsible for.

My rant is over for now!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

2011!

Missed blogging alot lately esp. since I feel I'm keeing so many secrects. This is supposed to be the place I came and let everything out. Well since my last post I qui my job and signed up for Winter semester at my local community college that I attended a couple of years ago but for financial reasons had to stop going. I'm going back for a certification as a nurses aid for now and will later go back and finish as an RN. I did this 4 days before B was supposed to return home for Christmas.

B was let off duty early and was able to surprise me two days early. I was a very happy wife. To make it better it was perfect timing for baby making. lol I'm going nuts rigt now bc I'm in the 2ww. I dont feel I can wait any longer, I need to know now. lol We spent christmas with his family since mine is very small and seperated by at least 3 hours. We vegged out alot and played our new games for the wii and such. New years was spent at the resturant that his mom works at. It was very nice. And four hours into the new year I took my husband to the airport to return him to his "owners" It was sad but very promising.

We knew that once he left we have about 3 more months until he and I both are done with our classes. And that he would be taking his test to become a petty officer. He will then get stationed somewhere hopefully and I will get to move out of this house. Ah I can't wait!

So for my class I have to wear hunter green colored scrubs. From head to toe I look like a giant green bean. It's torture and I love it.