WARNING: This blog contains conversations about my life. It can be cruel but it's the truth from the way I percive it. I don't always use nice words and sometimes I share a little bit too much. I don't put on a happy face in the midst of hard times because that's what inspires others. If you have an issue please navigate away from this page now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Loose Ends

Well the move into Brandon's Granda's house is done. My little room in the basement is finished and I'm trying to get used to living by someone elses rules. Grandma wants to know my work schedule all the time and it bothers me. Why the heck is it any of her business? Anyone in the house feels as if they have a right to come into my room whenever theyfeel like it. It's driving me nuts. I'm trying to just breath and remember that it wont be forever. On top of all of it I'm sick and when I'm sick I dont want to talk to anyone. Noone knows how I function so it makes it difficult to get through to them to just leave me alone.

Today I felt as if I "broke up" with my bestfriend. She has always been a good friend until she met this guy. Who is by anyones standards a lame ass. She met him Christmas of 08 and moved down to South Carolina in April 09 where they bounced from house to house living off of everyone. She shocked all of us with her rude behavior and stubburness. She has always been quiet well manored and would have never went for a guy like him before. Anyways she came back to MI in March 10 and moved in with her mom. I was excited because I was going to be able to get to know this guy and see what he was all about. I had them over to the apt. several times over the summer. He is an alright person but not for my friend. He has not motivation to anything for himself and is perfectly ok living off anyone and everyone. When I went to Chicago to get my new shinny military ID they packed up and left without a word. And, because they had no job here they had no phone once they got to where ever they went. I havent heard from her in over two months until today when she messaged me on facebook. She explained to me what has happened and all I could think the whole time was why do I care. She obviosly hasnt cared about her mom or twin sister who has siezures or me since she's been gone. Maybe thats immature but really I have had no idea if she was dead or alive. Her boyfriend is that wierd of a person that death has crossed my mind a couple of times. I wrote her back and explained to her that I wasnt mad but that I was scared she was hurt or worse and that I dont have the time or energy to worry about her anymore. I have problems of my own and where has she been as my best friend? It was bitter sweet because I had released myself of her and the stress of caring is gone but I am sad to have lost a really good friend.

On another note. I despirately desire to punch people in the face when I hear them complain about missing their boyfriends or husbands. I have alot of people on my facebook that wine about spending two days apart. One friend inparticular will complain if her boyfriend gets called into work on his day off and says she misses him like crazy. It really makes me mad and want to puke. Either they are so desparate to make it seem like they are soooo in love or they have no idea what missing someone means. I bet it's both. I know being away from the person you love sucks even if it's for 2 days but come on. They need to be thankful they are only bitching about 2 days. I wish my biggest worry was that my husband was gonna be gone for two days. I'm sturggling with this everyday when I see these people post things about how much they miss their boyfriend/husband. I want to be able to get over this or at least know a way of confronting them without sounding jealous, moody or immature. Maybe it is immature to get mad at these people, but really, they need a reality check. They need to walk a mile in a military wife/girlfriend's shoes and then think about how horrible it is that their significant other is gone for 48 hours.

On a positive note I chopped off all my long blonde and beautiful hair and I LOVE IT!!!! My hubby loves ittoo he says I look HotT! Here's a befor and after...

I know I am goofy but it's the best I have!

Sunday, September 12, 2010


From the time I was 2 until I was 18 I lived in the same house. In the two years since Ive graduated high school Ive moved 2 times. Im going into year three of being out of high school and Im going on move number three. All I have to say is MOVING SUCKS!!! I dislike it ALOT. Maybe if I were used to it when I was young it wouldn't be as stressful. What makes this move even harder is Ive collected more junk. This is the first little home Ive had that was all my own and I had more space to collect the junk. So the past week or so Ive been packing and organizing and working and had a garage sale to sell a bunch of the older crap that got replaced with newer crap. lol I did well... sold almost every thing. The other thing that makes this move harder than before is that this time Im doing it all alone. I do have a little help from B's grandparents and Aunt Cat but Ive done all the packing alone. And, I have to leave the first place that B and I ever called home together. ='[ I had a moment today when I was packing. Im usually not much for tears but between everything on my plate and the final inspection for the apt. on Tuesday, the apt. is looking a little empty and when I walked into the bedroom for something I just lost it. I couldnt help it. The radio was on and it just so happened that " Temporary Home- Carrie Underwood" came on. I love that song but I cry everytime I hear it. Ok maybe I stretched the truth a little.. I cry alot...more so now than ever. Being a strong woman in this Navy life is WAY easier said than done. Alot of people make it look easy and my question is how do I get to that point where other are jealous of my strength like I am of others? Do the woman who make it look easy really struggle with being strong like I do?

Ive gotten very into Christ lately and Im enjoying reading scriptures on different subjects hoping that the Lord will guide me and make me strong. In the back of my bible there is a list of 60 Character Builders and Id like to share a couple that have helped me.

#9. Courageous

Realizing that God had given me the strength to face and trial or danger.

'Be strong and of good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.'
Deuteronomy 31:6

#36. Patience

Going through a difficult situation with calm endurance and not complaining or losing self-control

'Our soul waiteth for the Lord: he is our help and our shield.'
Psalm 33:20

To all of those who possess these characteristics I am jealous. I am working very hard to remember that through Christ anything is possible, even the things I think are impossible for me.

Friday, September 3, 2010


I recevied the Blogger Buddy Award : )

The Rules:

*thank the person that gave you the award

*list 7 things about you that you haven't revealed to the bloggy-verse as of yet.

* pass them on to the bloggers that deserve them

First the thank you to hewearscombatboots. Its nice being able to share things without being judged. I'm so glad I found this and thats because of you. Thanks.

Now, seven things about me

1. I HATE being alone. Pretty ironic that I married someone in the service and it requires me to be alone all the time.
2. I LOVE the water and I'm really hoping B gets stationed in CA. People call me a fish because all I ever want to do is go swimming.
3. I'm an open book. I dont hide things from anyone. It's making coming up with seven things hard.
4. My favorite book of all time is Tuesdays with Morey. I also love the movie. So insiprational.
5. B and I are obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. We own all 5 sesaons so far and are currently waiting the release of season 6 on DVD and for season 7 to start.
6. I am a worrier. Every little thing causes me to panic and get anxious. I hate that my doctor just laughs at me and tells me I'm young so I don't have anything to worry about.
7. I support gay marrige and I'm also pro choice. I believe in staying out of peoples lives and letting them do what they want.

Feeling Better

The last couple of days I've just felt down and out, sick and tired. I have know idea as to why. I'm not quite to the point of never leaving the potty but just haven't felt good. I woke up this morning still feeling the same and had to go to work and when I got there everyone was grumpy and so that made me grumpy on top of not feeling well. Sometime after Id been there I lost the grumpy but still didn't feel good but that was because it was SO hot and muggy today. I went to B's gma's house and had tacos and checked on my room... and it's coming along very nicely. Ive only got 28 days left...=/ Its bitter sweet leaving this place.

On my way home I didn't have my radio on which NEVER happens in my car. I just thought and prayed the whole way, talking to the Lord about the things that have been bothering me. When I got home I got online and looked up a friend of a friend who is a christian musician, Ben Woodward. He has some pretty amazing songs. They lift me up like you wouldn't believe.  www.somethingelserecords.com/album/maranatha this link will take you to his page and if you scroll down to the share group you can listen for free.

What I think is awesome about this is that I never grew up in a church and neither did B. I went to a youth group for a while but other than that I connected to Jesus by myself in my bedroom in a house that wasn't always pleasant. So when B and I got into our own place church wasn't a priority or a topic we talked about. The first week he was gone at basic training I had the overwhelming urge to go to church with his grandma and when I went I felt so..ugh I cant even put a word to how I felt. I felt, refreshed. It was the first time Id been to church in over 5 years. That very week when I got my letter from B on Wednesday (meaning he wrote it Sunday and sent it out Sunday the day Id went to church) he had spoke of going to church service on base that day and he said it was one of the best things he'd done in a long time and that he felt he was exactly where he was supposed to be. He said he wanted church to be something we could start doing together. I was sooo happy because I had no idea how to go about saying I wanted to do that without making him feel he had to go with me. I didn't go back to church but B did until the end of basic training.

After basic we haven't talked anymore about church or the Lord and it saddens me because I think its important that the word of God stays in our conversations. So, my question is why do I always see myself reaching out to him when things are tough or I'm scared? Why do I not have a relationship when things are good? So I told myself today that, that behavior ends now and I mean right now. As soon as I talk to him next I'm letting him know that I want to start going to church on a regular basis and I want to do more to keep the Lord active in our lives. I think really having a relationship with Christ is going to help me be strong and help me face what B and I are going through with the Navy and all the joys we go through too.

I feel much better belly wise as well as spiritually and I am so happy. I couldn't ask for a better partner than my husband and I think him and I being involved with God is only going to help us get closer even though we are separated physically.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

First Actual Venting Session LOL

Ok so as stated before B is on hold in CA and I am here in MI which if we do math correctly puts him 3 hours behind me. It is currently 12:50 am Wed Morning meaning its only 9:50pm there. My husbands day goes something like this: wake up at the butt crack of dawn go to work eat lunch around noon, maybe calls me to say hi for 5mins, go back to work get out at about 5pm(8pm MI time) sometimes later. Then he eats food goes back to the room calls me for about 10 mins and then goes to the gym for 2 hours. By this time its already getting close to 8pm(11pm MI time), then he'll shower because he smells from the workout which takes him an hour to do. So, we are looking at 9pm(12am MI time) if not later. Around 9:30pm the sailors get ready to muster. Sometime after that he will call me around 10pm-1030pm(1am MI time) but he will be too tired to hardly stay awake. But all this time while he's been busy (esp at night when I'm home from work) Ive been waiting to have him call and to be able to have a real conversation with him. I know I should be grateful to at least get to talk to him even if its for a few mins but it really gets to be annoying. Esp. when I know he doesn't have to workout for 2 hours...that's his choice to do it, it isn't mandatory. I know he is doing things that are god for him and me and this country but I cant help but to get upset when I feel like my husband is a distant memory...I have maybe talked to him a total of 5 mins today and all we got to say is hey this is what I'm doing and I love you. Like I said my head KNOWS I should be grateful but my heart just cant help but be upset a little bit. Well this made me feel better...I got to get the crazy out before I went to sleep...o and looky he's calling...Goodnight.