My childhood & my Father

I'd like to be able to one day say that I had a great childhood and a great father who I loved and admired. The truth is I don't ever think that will happen.

As far back as I can remember, my brother and I were always alone or with a babysitter who wasn't nice and drank all the time. Even with the babysitter we were alone. I do have a few good memories from childhood but they are times when I was with my Grandma. She died when I was 10 and I struggled with happiness ever since. She was the escape from our reality and she let us be kids. I wish she could be here now and been able to meet my husband and her unborn great grandchildren. That is besides the point though.

My father was a drunk and a drug addict. He added to the problems and the struggles of not having enough money. He ran around our gang filled neighborhood with his buddies at all hours of the night. He would work all day and go straight to his buddies to get drunk and whatever else. He had to drive by our home to get there and he wouldn't even stop to say hi or see how our day went first. He acted like a teenager more so than I ever did and he was nearing 50. Whenever he would come home, I'd hide in my room until I figured out if he was in a good mood or not. My father had a temper on him and I didn't want to get the 2x4 if I said the wrong thing. If he was in a good mood I'd come out of my room and he'd lay on the floor demanding I get him food and drinks and his smokes. He was very 1950 and expected the wife and child to serve him. Pissed me off. My senior year he moved to Wyoming for a job and he missed my graduation and open house. I wasn't surprised since he'd already seen my older brother's, mine wasn't that important. I wrote him a letter before he left that told him I was sad we didn't have a better relationship. He never read it, said he never planned on it and he threw it away. I guess what makes me so bitter is that he never treated my brother the way he did me. I grew up in fear of him and hating him because his friends, drinking and drugs always came before me. Since he's been in Wyoming he's been sober and has a better relationship with my mom, which is good. He's tried mending things with me and calls me all the time. He gets upset when I don't answer the phone and he thinks I'm ignoring him. I'm not really sure how to forgive him or how to move on. I can't just pretend that the way he treated me for 19 years didn't happen. I knew one day he would wake up and realize what he'd done and that he'd missed out on a wonderful person he calls his daughter. I just never planned on not being able to forgive him or knowing what to say to someone who is otherwise a stranger.

When I was about 13 I told myself that I'd never let that man walk me down the isle. I would have my brother or my Grandpa do it. This past summer I caved into my mother's request and let him walk me down the isle. I guess that's a start? After all he stayed sober the entire wedding.

Finally PCSing!

Who could have thought I'd actually enjoy saying that I'm excited that we have officially begun the process of moving to a new duty station. If you'd read and kept up, you know that B has been in training for over a year now. I am so beyond excited that written orders are now in his hand. I can officially say that we will be stationed in Virginia by the middle of May.

I've never lived anywhere other than Michigan and I'm terrified to actually move out of my hometown. I'm so used to the way things are ran and I know all the short cut ways to get around town. I know all the places to go for a day at the beach or for a day on the slopes(depending on the weather). I know where all the "good" thrift stores are. I'm comfortable at my college and I knew where I wanted to work. I have a great doctor here and my eye specialist is great. It's a little intimadating to have to pick everything up and try and get used to a whole new area that I know nothing about. I haven't even visited the state.

On the plus side, my husband got near impossible orders for his rate and the written orders came up way before they even expected them to. He is so happy about these orders and I'm happy for him. I'm most excited to be back wih my hubby, living under the same roof again. What a long and draining year it has been. In the end it will be worth it since he will be there until he reenlists at least.

The only thing I'm worried about is making sure everything is done right...so, EVERYTHING.

One Year Ago

This months brings alot of things to get excited about.

First of all our nephew turns ONE. I didn't know how much I could love this little guy. When he was born B and I weren't married yet and even though we had been together for three years, I didn't feel right being called Auntie. Maybe that's a little old fashioned but I felt like we aren't married, I'm not his Aunt. But, after B left and a few months of seeing him regularly I fell in love with the most handsome little boy. I pushed these feelings away because we still weren't married. Then, once we did get married it still took time for me to get used to being called Auntie. His smile is so contagious and his laughter is like a drug that you could get addicted too. Makes me feel very blessed that I've had the time to get to know him before the Navy pulled me to another state. His Uncle B on the other hand, isn't so lucky. He gets to know him through pictures and videos. As he turns one I am so happy to be his coolest Aunt on the planet.

Secondly, B is coming up on his ONE year anniversary of being in the Navy. He's been home for a weekend when we got married and over Christmas. I guess I should be happy that I even got that. I am so happy that this year is almost over though. He is finishing his A school this week and hopefully getting to pick orders soon. Hopefully after he picks orders Ill get to be with him. Ahh I can't wait. I am so very proud of the way he has handled being away for so long. He's a big softy and he's very big on family. I was worried he wouldn't be able to handle it. He has done amazing in his classes and I couldn't be more proud. Seems awfully strange that it's been one year already and Ive only seen him a few times. Alot has happened in a year that's for sure.

Next on the list of things to get excited about is the fact that next week I'll be walking out of my college with a certificate as a Nurse Aid. It isn't what I want over all but it's a step. A step I am very proud of. I'm the first person in my family to have graduated High School and continue onto college and walk out of the doors with something. My mother went to college but dropped out and so did my older brother. My father never finished High School. This is huge for our family.

Lastly, it's almost spring time and my SIL will be on spring break at the end of the month and if everything goes right my husband, my in laws and I will be headed to our new duty station. We will enjoy the drive and the warm weather on the beach. Ah March I Love You.